I was in a gas station the other day buying a Coke and I heard a woman behind me say, “DAMN! That’s a big ass for a white boy”! I turned around and told her I was half Mexican. It’s not an uncommon mistake for people to make. So today I decided to convince myself I was legit by going to the most Mexican place I know–Taco Bell.
Taco Bell has been selling the Naked Chalupa for a limited time. And while doing research for this post (go ahead, poke fun–I do my research) I was shocked to see that it was getting pulled off of the shelves almost as quickly as it appeared. It truly WAS a limited time offer. So I raced to The Bell to make sure I didn’t miss out.
The gentleman who took my order was very helpful.
Rizz: I want to try the Naked Chicken Chalupa.
Taco Bell Dude: That’s good!
Rizz: Have you had it?
TBD: Yeah. Like every day. It’s spicy though.
Rizz: Really? Should I get the box?
TBD: It’s cheaper. You get three tacos.
Rizz: OK let’s do the box.
Sure enough it came with three tacos but we could’ve thrown the other two in the trash.
Before I unwrapped my treasure I decided that I had to be on the right level for this one. I’ll see your naked chalupa and raise you…my shirt I guess.
I was always under the impression that a chalupa was a fried flat tortilla. Maybe slightly concave at best. Taco Bell is taking some real liberties here and I don’t approve. This falls squarely into the taco family. Take a look.
That’s a taco! Show this to someone that just arrived on this planet and they’d say, “No way that’s a fucking chalupa, Rizz” (aliens read the blog too). Hey look, it happens. I’ve seen a ton of things mislabeled in my time so I’m not going to punish them too much.
First impressions: the chicken shell was enough to hold the whole taco together. They could’ve crammed it twice as full and that baby wasn’t coming loose. I love a taco that’s built to last. Not sure why they included the cardboard carrying case. Not necessary.
Structure aside, this baby was tasty. Chicken had a great texture that was soft enough to tear into easily but still with the slightest bit of crunch to make you crave the next bite. It folded perfectly without splitting at all at the seams. And it wasn’t really that greasy. Standard residue on the fingers but nothing more than you’d get from a chicken strip.
And totally malleable! Look at this!
It had a peppery spicy kick that could only be mastered after spending
years hours in a Taco Bell kitchen. Seriously–it was good.
My biggest beef with the Naked Chalupa was that there wasn’t any meat in the taco. Let me repeat that. THERE WASN’T ANY MEAT INSIDE THE FREAKING TACO! Lettuce, tomato, avocado and some weird sauce.
Taco Bell just ran 26.1 miles of a marathon and then fell flat on their face. What happened in this creative meeting at headquarters?
Executive 1 (bong exhale): Guys: chicken taco shell.
Executive 2: Bro! Yes! But no bacon or beef or anything in there.
Rizz: I’m giving you all until 5:00pm to clean out your desks.
There’s really no excuse for it. None. Give me a counter argument. I’m having a hard time thinking of any meat that would make this worse. And why only chicken for the shell? Wouldn’t a pork shell be amazing? Wouldn’t a bacon shell set the world on fire? Literally (not literally) set the whole world on fire?!? I probably shouldn’t have even said that. You’re going to be thinking about bacon taco shells the rest of the day.
In the end I’d say the Naked Chalupa came up just short.
Look, for $5 this is worth your time. Pick up the Naked Chalupa and come home confident that your spouse will chastise you in front of the kids but secretly appreciate that you’re helping the family get their daily protein fix. Then get to work in the kitchen helping me perfect that bacon shell.
Taco Bell Naked Chalupa: B-